Peter’s Letter to the Corinthians 1 May 2006
And it came to pass that Peter returned from Caledonia, where he had been fighting against the Great Atlantic Salmon menace.
And he did travel to Burnham, where he wielded the antifouling brush, the paintbrush and the varnish brush. And he looked upon his handiwork and saw that it was good.
And then did Neptune appear to Peter in a haze of No. 3 Thinners vapour and did say:
Go forth and smite the Melville, for he is become smug in the ways of winning.
But Peter replied:
Verily Master, the Melville is wise in the ways of the river goblins, and my only chance of smiting him is with a half-mile battering ram on Coriander’s bow, with which to biff him on the transom.
And Neptune said:
But surely thou couldst strive with the Lewis, the Bushell or the Heathfield?
But Master, they too are wise in the ways of the tides and of the sneaky crafts of racing and I cannot prevail against them.
Well how about the Munro?
Surely, Master, he is withered by age, but he too is full of low cunning and hath a lusty crew.
And Neptune then became stropped off and said:
But cans’t thou not at least try to beat Apps, Wallis and Riley?
And now Peter looked more cheerful and said:
Well, Master, I will try mightily, for when ever was a bum doctor afeared of a chest physician or a cardiologist, let alone someone named after a decrepit English car. And anyway, Master, I have a cunning plan. I will go to the bazaar of Lonton and Gray and buy new sails – thereby becoming more adept and competitive.
But Peter’s wife said:
Oh foolish man – if thou spend large amounts of dosh on new sails, thou merely loses one more excuse for coming last, and it shall serve you naught.
But Peter ignored his wife, bought a new sail and strove mightily. And behold, on Saturday he came fourth – or last if one is pedantic. But Peter and his mighty crew did not care and did not begrudge the shekels. For the sun shone, the breeze blew and they rejoiced in the joys of sailing. And it was a bloody sight better than going to the ballet with Peter’s wife!
Lovely day, chaps. Have a good season…